Christmas Woes

It is almost December.  The month of Christmas and Giving and warm feelings and, well...I have the hardest time pretending.  I wish I had warm fuzzy feelings to do with Christmas.  I use to, for a while.  My childhood, Christmas was amazing, best thing ever!  Closest thing to it was night before the first day at Disneyland.  I loved going to pick our tree, I hated dragging up the Christmas decorations, but I liked putting them out and decorating the tree.  I looked forward to Christmas family parties and seeing my cousins, being with my Grandma.  

Then as a teen, I hated it.  I hated having to decorate the house, I hated freezing to death picking out the tree, I hate HATED how obsessed my Dad became with Christmas.  He literally wanted to open our own Christmas tree farm and wanted us to dress like elves.  I thought, over my head teenage body.  All Christmas was to me was time away from my friends, my boyfriend.  STUPID!!!

I got married and had my kids, it was different.  The best, Christmas I EVER had was the Christmas that Taylor was new.  I was married to Tim still.  He saved up his NAVY vacation time for Christmas every year.  We decided this year to stay home.  Two weeks with just time to spend together.  But even before that, I was feeling the spirit.  My kids and I listened to Christmas music all the time, we made cookies, the house looked amazing.  We went to neighborhood parties and just loved being together as a family.  Probably the best time of our entire marriage.  I remember having our fire blazing, our tree that was so tiny but ours.  It was quite cold in December in Fort Worth.  Obviously not Utah cold.  

That being the best Christmas with Tim, it's so weird that my worst Christmas ever was because of Tim too.  Christmas in 2002 was the year I found out Christmas Eve that he was cheating on me.  It was literally the worst, most painful thing in my entire life.  It made me hate hate hate Christmas after that.  Spending Christmas's alone after that was hard.  One year I was alone Christmas morning, that broke my heart.

This year I look at Christmas, and I wished I had more warm feelings.  Once and a while I do.  But in general I don't.  And I had hoped Jeramy could help me change all that but, he just doesn't care for it either.  Not even with our 4 year old finally understanding what it is about.  It is painful, I really wish I could feel more.  

Most people don't care for "negative" I seem to be and I don't particularly care.  I'm not all bad.  I just swing on the low side.  Usually just October to April, seasonal depression?  I don't know...

But this isn't a blog to make everyone happy, it is a blog for those who want to see...to see me.

So Thanksgiving is over.  It has been very nice having Jeramy home for two full days so far and two more to come.  I am so excited.  We were going through a very rough patch, possibly a rough patch that most marriages would not make it through. 

Thanksgiving was very not fun.  Well the dinner wasn't.  I had not even a little bit of fun in Wallsburg.  I won't be going back there again for that holiday.  

It is almost finals for this semester.  I have one more 10 page research paper to write before next week, two group presentations and one history final.  WISH ME LUCK!!

Table for one

Today I sit and ponder.  What is it that I am missing?  I feel an empty whole in my heart and am not sure why it is there.  I feel alone.  But the part that I can't get around, the part that doesn't make sense is that I as a person feel like I'm more myself than I have ever been.  How can I be so complete and alone at the same time.  I hide in my shell and am okay with me.

What is missing, what is that piece that is missing that will put me back together.

I just, want to feel whole...

Lately

This is the first time I've ever done a blog.  I figure it may help me to calm down and get thoughts out of my head.

Lately I have been feeling very alone.  At school, I don't quite fit in, be it my age, my size, or just being me.  In the huge school, I am surrounded by many people and yet I feel isolated.  In my classes, I sit and every desk all around me are empty.  Like people are scared to sit by me, maybe they would catch "fat."  

I'm noticing myself pushing everyone away now at home too.  The isolation is carrying over to the one place I am absolutely not alone.  I know I am loved at home.  At home I am someone worth loving.  I know if people got to know me, they'd like me, I am a good person.  But who wants to take that time to get to know some one like me?

I'm really needing my friends and family around me to boost me up the way only they can.  But they don't know it, and I'm to down to tell them.