It is almost December. The month of Christmas and Giving and warm feelings and, well...I have the hardest time pretending. I wish I had warm fuzzy feelings to do with Christmas. I use to, for a while. My childhood, Christmas was amazing, best thing ever! Closest thing to it was night before the first day at Disneyland. I loved going to pick our tree, I hated dragging up the Christmas decorations, but I liked putting them out and decorating the tree. I looked forward to Christmas family parties and seeing my cousins, being with my Grandma.
Then as a teen, I hated it. I hated having to decorate the house, I hated freezing to death picking out the tree, I hate HATED how obsessed my Dad became with Christmas. He literally wanted to open our own Christmas tree farm and wanted us to dress like elves. I thought, over my head teenage body. All Christmas was to me was time away from my friends, my boyfriend. STUPID!!!
I got married and had my kids, it was different. The best, Christmas I EVER had was the Christmas that Taylor was new. I was married to Tim still. He saved up his NAVY vacation time for Christmas every year. We decided this year to stay home. Two weeks with just time to spend together. But even before that, I was feeling the spirit. My kids and I listened to Christmas music all the time, we made cookies, the house looked amazing. We went to neighborhood parties and just loved being together as a family. Probably the best time of our entire marriage. I remember having our fire blazing, our tree that was so tiny but ours. It was quite cold in December in Fort Worth. Obviously not Utah cold.
That being the best Christmas with Tim, it's so weird that my worst Christmas ever was because of Tim too. Christmas in 2002 was the year I found out Christmas Eve that he was cheating on me. It was literally the worst, most painful thing in my entire life. It made me hate hate hate Christmas after that. Spending Christmas's alone after that was hard. One year I was alone Christmas morning, that broke my heart.
This year I look at Christmas, and I wished I had more warm feelings. Once and a while I do. But in general I don't. And I had hoped Jeramy could help me change all that but, he just doesn't care for it either. Not even with our 4 year old finally understanding what it is about. It is painful, I really wish I could feel more.
Most people don't care for "negative" I seem to be and I don't particularly care. I'm not all bad. I just swing on the low side. Usually just October to April, seasonal depression? I don't know...
But this isn't a blog to make everyone happy, it is a blog for those who want to see...to see me.