Wednesday, December 21, 2011

What it is about...

It's official!!  We are moving.  Into an apartment in Pleasant Grove.  A fresh start for the kids and us, it's like our (Jeramy & I) first place.  We found it together, we can just start something.  I'm excited actually.  It may be smaller than our last place, but I lived in a large house once and it seperates the family and I don't want that.  I don't want everyone in their own space watching their own thing, or doing their own thing.  Obviously I know it is important to let them do their own thing, but I want a family not a bunch of stranger living together.

We are in the middle of packing.  I found a picture that my Aunt gave me.  It is me, her and my Grandma Faye.  Her smile is ENORMOUS, it's how I like to remember her.  I think that when she died she was waiting for me to be there before she went.  I don't know what made me decide to show up that particular day to see her.  I just remember thinking it was important.  My uncle was already there.  He was so tired.  I told him to go and sleep in the chair in the other room.  I was just talking to her.  I put lotion on her hands and feet, put on some socks so her feet weren't cold.  There were these things that looked like suckers that I was dipping in water and wetting her lips and inside her mouth.  She was snoring, but that's my grandma, if you knew her you would understand.  She never woke up to talk to me but I knew she was there.  I also know my Grandpa was there, I heard walking, I felt him there.  I knew he was there with her just waiting, waiting for me.  I think there was no coinsidence that I was there alone, that Gary had left the room.  It was Sunday there was church music on, very fitting.  I thought of how she took care of me almost all of my life after my mom died.  And now I was taking care of her, in a small way.  I held her hand, and laid on her arm quite a while.  I love her so much.  I remember all the nights when she'd tickle my back while we watched the channel 5 news.  I never understood why exactly she liked that news stations, but it was always that.  I loved Christmas because of her.  Now that she's gone, there just doesn't seem like there is any meaning to it.  No enchiladas, no candles made of gum drops.  No songs, no Christmas lights by the fire.  I miss her.  I felt truly loved!  Sometimes I think my childhood was one big mistake, but then I realize how much she loved me. I think what I miss is her cooking.  She always made great food.  Christmas was made of fudge and sugar cookies and candy and fun and joy and togetherness.  Makes plates for neighbors, me driving her cuz she was so bad at addresses.  LOL....ah, my Grandma.  I've been thinking about her a lot lately.  I plan on going to the cemetary to "see" my family.  Sad when you can visit a lot of your family in one stop like that.  

This is the words to a song we sang all the time....
I'm a little doll, who has just been broken 
Falling off my mommy's knees 
I'm a little doll, who has just been mended 
Now won't you tell me please 

Are my ears on straight, is my nose in place 
Have I got a good expression on my face 
Are my blue eyes bright, do I look alright 
To be taken home on Christmas Day 

When I first came here, just a month ago 
Brought in by a little girl, who loved me so 
She began to cry, until I told her why 
To be taken home on Christmas Day 

Christmas Day is drawing near 
And I'm getting scared 
I wish I could see in a mirror 
How I've been repaired 

I would call for her soon, but I'm worried so 
Will she love me, like she did a month ago 
Are my ears on straight, I can hardly wait 
To be taken home on Christmas Day

I miss you a lot Grandma.  I love you forever...Tell my Mom I love her and hug my baby girl! 

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Time to reflect

I remember this song from when it actually came out, back in what 1992, I would have been in 8th grade then.  

At one of those crossroads in life.  Left, right or through the weeds.  I've always wanted to stay true to the Road Less Traveled.  Not one to take the easy road.  

I'm done with finals.  I guess I won't know the grades until the 20th.  Kind of stressful.  I think next semester will be kinda hard too, I'm taking Bio 1010, Sociology 1010, Humanities and Astronomy.  2 sciences and that is stressful.  No maths, notice that, I am SO not looking forward to math.

Christmas is only give or take 10 days away, it couldn't feel further away.  No snow, not even a lot in the mountains.  No presents under the tree.  Jonathan would destroy them.  His birthday is friday, the 16th.  I can't believe he is already 4.  Where does the time go?

I'm wanting to start new Christmas traditions, but I can't seem to shake loose the old one's totally.  

I feel like I have a lot to say and nothing is coming out.  

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Looking for the good...

So it was my last day in my last English class for college.  It left me in high spirits.  Proud that I made it all semester, proud that I got out a 10 page paper, something I thought I would never be able to do.

Now as it gets closer to Christmas, I find myself wondering where the snow is?  I do love the sky before a snow storm.  I love the smell of the clean snow.  I love how peaceful it is watching the snow fall.  I love the crunch when you walk in that first snow before it's shoveled.  There is something very sad though for me, some darkness that I feel when I hear a certain Christmas music, like Manhattan steamroller, of transyberrian *how to spell that lol that can't be close*.  it makes me sad, blue...Makes it worse when I'm in my room, watching it snow silently in the night.  Makes me long for something I can't even describe, just...long for.  

I went to my cousin's choir concert tonight.  He's more like my nephew and I love him to death.  He's sleeping in my front room as a matter of fact tonight.  

We found a very very perfect townhouse tonight and I hope beyond hope that we can call it home very soon!

I am already thinking about next semesters classes and I'm not even done with all my finals. :)  I guess that ok.

Let's start something new, let's start something me and you, all we need is imagination, and a little dab of glue, let's try something new...let's try something newwwwww....

Monday, November 28, 2011

Christmas Woes

It is almost December.  The month of Christmas and Giving and warm feelings and, well...I have the hardest time pretending.  I wish I had warm fuzzy feelings to do with Christmas.  I use to, for a while.  My childhood, Christmas was amazing, best thing ever!  Closest thing to it was night before the first day at Disneyland.  I loved going to pick our tree, I hated dragging up the Christmas decorations, but I liked putting them out and decorating the tree.  I looked forward to Christmas family parties and seeing my cousins, being with my Grandma.  

Then as a teen, I hated it.  I hated having to decorate the house, I hated freezing to death picking out the tree, I hate HATED how obsessed my Dad became with Christmas.  He literally wanted to open our own Christmas tree farm and wanted us to dress like elves.  I thought, over my head teenage body.  All Christmas was to me was time away from my friends, my boyfriend.  STUPID!!!

I got married and had my kids, it was different.  The best, Christmas I EVER had was the Christmas that Taylor was new.  I was married to Tim still.  He saved up his NAVY vacation time for Christmas every year.  We decided this year to stay home.  Two weeks with just time to spend together.  But even before that, I was feeling the spirit.  My kids and I listened to Christmas music all the time, we made cookies, the house looked amazing.  We went to neighborhood parties and just loved being together as a family.  Probably the best time of our entire marriage.  I remember having our fire blazing, our tree that was so tiny but ours.  It was quite cold in December in Fort Worth.  Obviously not Utah cold.  

That being the best Christmas with Tim, it's so weird that my worst Christmas ever was because of Tim too.  Christmas in 2002 was the year I found out Christmas Eve that he was cheating on me.  It was literally the worst, most painful thing in my entire life.  It made me hate hate hate Christmas after that.  Spending Christmas's alone after that was hard.  One year I was alone Christmas morning, that broke my heart.

This year I look at Christmas, and I wished I had more warm feelings.  Once and a while I do.  But in general I don't.  And I had hoped Jeramy could help me change all that but, he just doesn't care for it either.  Not even with our 4 year old finally understanding what it is about.  It is painful, I really wish I could feel more.  

Most people don't care for "negative" I seem to be and I don't particularly care.  I'm not all bad.  I just swing on the low side.  Usually just October to April, seasonal depression?  I don't know...

But this isn't a blog to make everyone happy, it is a blog for those who want to see me.

Friday, November 25, 2011

So Thanksgiving is over.  It has been very nice having Jeramy home for two full days so far and two more to come.  I am so excited.  We were going through a very rough patch, possibly a rough patch that most marriages would not make it through. 

Thanksgiving was very not fun.  Well the dinner wasn't.  I had not even a little bit of fun in Wallsburg.  I won't be going back there again for that holiday.  

It is almost finals for this semester.  I have one more 10 page research paper to write before next week, two group presentations and one history final.  WISH ME LUCK!!

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Table for one

Today I sit and ponder.  What is it that I am missing?  I feel an empty whole in my heart and am not sure why it is there.  I feel alone.  But the part that I can't get around, the part that doesn't make sense is that I as a person feel like I'm more myself than I have ever been.  How can I be so complete and alone at the same time.  I hide in my shell and am okay with me.

What is missing, what is that piece that is missing that will put me back together.

I just, want to feel whole...

This is the first time I've ever done a blog.  I figure it may help me to calm down and get thoughts out of my head.

Lately I have been feeling very alone.  At school, I don't quite fit in, be it my age, my size, or just being me.  In the huge school, I am surrounded by many people and yet I feel isolated.  In my classes, I sit and every desk all around me are empty.  Like people are scared to sit by me, maybe they would catch "fat."  

I'm noticing myself pushing everyone away now at home too.  The isolation is carrying over to the one place I am absolutely not alone.  I know I am loved at home.  At home I am someone worth loving.  I know if people got to know me, they'd like me, I am a good person.  But who wants to take that time to get to know some one like me?

I'm really needing my friends and family around me to boost me up the way only they can.  But they don't know it, and I'm to down to tell them.