Saturday, March 17, 2012

It's bee a while...

It's been a while since I wrote about anything.  For the past week or so I have been in a downward spiral.  I hate depression, I think it is hardest to go from doing great, to feeling like things are falling apart at the seams. I am alone right now in my room on a saturday night.  I was at a b-day/b-day part, but there was so much going on I couldn't stand it.  There was one person whom I can't stand, one person I'm just extremely hurt by but mostly just too many people.  I feel like giving up on everything.  I feel alone. I don't know what to do.  These are the moments I miss my Mom.  I feel unraveled.  Does that make sense?  I feel loved, I feel support.  But, with the things on my plate, I just feel...I feel...just tired. Giving up would be so easy.  

I am hoping that going back to school will help me with some of the depression.  But the other side of that sword is, I get so stressed with school, it's just the same cycle as before, just a different branch of my tree.  I want to go and scream at the top of my lungs AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Wednesday, February 29, 2012


Where to begin with this one.  I have a daughter who is 11 and has ADHD.  Raising her, to say the least, is very taxing.  Things have spiraled so out of control with her that I daily, DREAD waking up.  I feel like I've lost her.  I miss my little Taylor, my Tada Bug.  She is impossible to reward or discipline.  She doesn't care about anything or anyone besides herself.  It's killing me here.  She lies, steals, destroys property, fights, screams, slams doors and overall is impossible to live with.  She'll lie when the truth is easier.  She'll steal because she gets what she wants.  She does whatever it is she wants on a whim because no on e is the boss of her.  The stress I have with her is literally killing me.  I've had her on medication, and off medication.  I've had her in a social group called STRIDE, I've had her in therapy at home and at an office.  I've had her tested, I've had training on how to deal with an ADHD child.  I feel very alone and at an end here.  I hate punishing her, for one it accomplishes absolutely nothing, but I can't reward her because of the lying, stealing...etc: that goes on.  I've tried so many techniques with positive reinforcement, letting things be an award not a punishment.  I've tried to be strict, I've given her a foot and she takes a football field.  I've tried school, friends, activities even church.  NOTHING helps.  Her entire focus is going to my Aunt's where she tells me that she is spoiled there, non of her siblings are there so no one can bother her or tell her what to do.  Everything is handed to her and nothing is expected from her.  Reports from her is she's fine, she acts well she hardly argues.  Even now, worrying about what she'll do tomorrow is eating at me already.  What fights we'll get in, or how innocent and nice she'll act.  I feel like "act" is the entire basis for her living.  She acts fine, she acts nice but at home...she's like, words won't even come to me at this point.  If anyone has advice, I'd sure love it, I'm lost out here with no light and it's very dark.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Good things, Good things!

I have almost been working out for a month, on the 28th.  Plus my calorie counting.  I have upped my water intake.  At the gym I do cardio, usually 30 mins. on the treadmill at different inclines, and the bike about 15 mins. right now on and off.  I lift every time too.  One day arms, one day legs.  I look forward to going to the gym, and when I get home from school I put on my gym clothes so it is way easier to go.  When I am at the gym I usually drink about 48 oz of water.  I'm feeling great, full of energy and I sleep well.  My muscles hurt and my feet ache and I love it all!!!

I'm strangely grateful that I got the boost to loose weight.  I am committed more than ever and I think it is because I am doing it for me, not for anyone else.  :)

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Today, what to day about today...I went to my kidney Dr.  She said that my kidneys are only working 80% of what they should, my cholesterol and blood pressure are way to high and my weight is to high.  She told me, that with all that I was a prime candidate for a heart attack, that it was just a matter or time.  Both her and the Dr. I saw last week agreed that they are amazed I don't have diabetes already.  My blood pressure was like 180 over 110 and that was shocking.  Since last week though the scale said I lost 3 pounds, probably because I have pretty much cut out soda.

I had two boiled eggs for breakfast and a handful of almonds for breakfast and am pretty proud of myself!  

Things are just out of control in my body.  The two biggest issues with my kidneys is my blood pressure and my weight.  The cholesterol is a factor because with my kidneys not working right and the weight it puts a huge strain on my heart.  Stress is also a major problem, it makes my heart and my kidneys struggle.  In fact stress is what made my kidneys go bad in the first place way back in 2002.  

I'm super stressed right, now which is bad, but can't be helped.  I'm sure it will level out when I finish processing what I was told this past week, but ...right now I'm all sorts of freaking out. :(  My head is splitting, has been since I found out.  

I'm going tonight with my husband to get a pass to our PG Rec. center.  We're going to be walking and lifting, I love weight lifting, I think because of my ex husband.  But I know lifting and building muscle helps burn fat.

I'm scared and hopeful all at the same time because, even though I got this bad news today.  After last week, I already have this resolve to loose weight and a plan in place.  I just still need that support and love from my family and friends and I'll beat this!

I'm worth it...

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

So I went to the Dr. today.  I needed my estrogen refilled, and I have this weird bump on my hand.  Estrogen...check, weird bump on my hand is a simple cyst that they are removing it in a few weeks.  BUT, this is where things go dicey for me.  He talked to me frankly about my weight.  He said for as heavy as I am, for my history of family heart diseas, diabetes, my high blood pressure, my history of high cholesterol and my kidney disease I am a high risk for a stroke within even the next year.  For a long time I've been very unhappy about my weight, but never enough to apparently stop or change any behaviors.   Today although, I'm looking at things in a new light.  I honestly feel like my mind set was tweaked just a little, enough to decide to do things differently.  I feel like today even, I've done things differently.  Little things so i don't blow out entirely. 

I was reading my friend Holli's blog and got a lot of good vibes from her and I'm excited about it.  It is going to be a long hard road, but, I'm worth it.  I'm sure it will be hard, but I am strong, I've been through so much in my life.  I can do this.  I just hope I have the support I need.  

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

I am really loving this beach scene lately.  Makes me feel calm, warm, and carefree.  

I am 3 days into this semester.  They seem all good classes and teachers, except my bio class.  I'm not counting it out totally right now, but the teacher seems, not altogether.  Makes me miss my eccentric English teacher.  So this semester I am a sophomore, and I have Humanities, Sociology, Biology and Astronomy.  I missed school.  I like having something to do.  To get out of the house is worth some mental health.

My older kids are still not in school till the 17th.  It has been almost an ENTIRE MONTH and I'm going NUTS....LOL I love my kids but wow.  Taylor is in her new school Mount Mahogany.  She already has friends and I'm happy for her!

I am very happy with my new place.  It's nice, clean, new, NOT HOUSING!  

Sunday, January 1, 2012

All moved

We are all moved out of the Provo house.  It's weird.  I won't miss that place, but I was there for so long it's like all these memories are being left.  I moved in there January of 2004, and so much has happened and changed since then.  Taylor was 3 when we moved there, now she is 11.  I was single then, now I'm happily marred.  The walls have been privy to many things and wiping them down was weird.  

I like this new place.  It's brand new, it's way nice inside, my bedroom is s much bigger and nicer than the old place.  Only one bathroom but it'll do.  I just laugh when I'm in the shower and someone outside the door is screaming they need to go.  I'm not rushing my shower time. They'll have to run to Walkers lol...;)   We are full of boxes and still trying to organize things, figure out what we can take to the storage unit we got.  

My kids are going to be going to PGJH and Mount Mahogony, signing them up on Tuesday.  And then I start on the 9th.  I am excited!